Things I Have Learned Since Getting Married
There will come a time when you walk in the bathroom to find your husband peeing and brushing his teeth at the same time. Here is how you proceed:
1) Freeze.
2) Back out slowly and silently.
3) Calmly and rationally discuss WTF he was doing at a later date.
Whatever you do, do not yell, "What are you doing?!?" and meet his eyes in an uncomfortable deer-caught-urinating-in-the-headlights stare. This could severely impair his aim, and that's a mess you'll have to clean up later.
This is among the things I have learned since getting married.
Next week will mark our seventh anniversary, which means we've lasted longer than all but one of Elizabeth Taylor (-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky)'s marriages. When I look at the wedding pictures hanging on my wall, which I do frequently because I'm vain like that, I mostly think of how much younger I looked and how naive I was. I want to laugh at how well I thought I knew my husband after two years of dating. And I think of how much I've learned since then -- about myself, about him, and about marriage.
Besides the fact that everyone has weird behavior you're not fully aware of, and don't want to know about, here are some other things I've learned:
Manners are a gift we give each other.
In my house, the only ones allowed to fart and burp freely are the kiddo and the dogs. This is mostly because the kiddo is too young to learn polite manners, and I haven't figured out how to teach the dogs how to hold it in. I believe that just because you can doesn't mean you should, and this applies to gastric emissions as well. Good manners are essential to keeping all relationships civil and respectful. You say please and thank you, you act kindly toward each other, and you keep your gas to yourself.
"It's not a contest," says the person who's winning.
It will never be 50/50. House cleaning, cooking, taking care of the child, working -- one person will always be doing more of something and less of something else. Some days it's 90/10 and some days it's 55/45. That's alright. It's part of the fluidity of marriage. During those times when you feel like you've got the heavy end of the load, try -- really, really try -- to remind yourself of all the things your spouse does instead of focusing on what he or she does not. Most importantly, talk about the frustrations and inequalities, or else you risk building up resentment. And when your partner says, "You get more alone time/pizza/hot water/covers/data minutes/whatever than I do," the correct answer is never, "It's not a contest." Unless you want a punch in the face.
You go to bed angry, and that's okay.
Look, Rome didn't burn overnight. Or maybe it did; I didn't really pay attention in world history class because I was too busy passing notes about how cute Jonathan Brandis is. (It was the '90s. Don't judge.) My point is that a solid relationship won't crumble if you take a time out to get some rest, regroup, and calm down. My mother used to tell me "it will all look better in the morning." And frequently, it does.
In sickness and in health doesn't mean what you think it does.
I always pictured two little gray-haired people, stooped with age. She reminds him to take his blood pressure pills, and he says "What's that about fresh water gills?" because he's deaf. Aww, isn't that cute? It's a far cry from being in charge of removing what's left of your husband's dissolving stitches after surgery, or your husband running to the drug store for toilet paper and Immodium because you ate some bad barbecue. Sickness isn't pretty, and it's not reserved for the old. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to be taken care of, and be patient and caring enough to take care of someone else. Even if it involves poop.
Fake it 'til you make it.
There are days when you are not feeling it. Sometimes entire weeks. And you miss those days of early courtship when all was exciting and new and the washing machine didn't smell funky. And you dream about walking away and starting over, because maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. It's days like this when I employ the Alcoholics Anonymous tactic of putting it off one day at a time. You wake up and think tomorrow I'll call it quits. Today I have to do laundry despite the funky smell. And you get up the day after that and say tomorrow I'll leave. Today the kid has a doctor's appointment. And you just keep pushing through the rough spots and saying "I love you" and working at it until you can buy some of that Tide Washing Machine Cleaner. It's good stuff.
Because in the end, love isn't even a little bit like songs and movies and sonnets. That's infatuation, and it's fleeting. I think if more people recognized the difference, we'd have fewer divorces. No offense to Elizabeth Taylor.
1) Freeze.
2) Back out slowly and silently.
3) Calmly and rationally discuss WTF he was doing at a later date.
Whatever you do, do not yell, "What are you doing?!?" and meet his eyes in an uncomfortable deer-caught-urinating-in-the-headlights stare. This could severely impair his aim, and that's a mess you'll have to clean up later.
This is among the things I have learned since getting married.
Next week will mark our seventh anniversary, which means we've lasted longer than all but one of Elizabeth Taylor (-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky)'s marriages. When I look at the wedding pictures hanging on my wall, which I do frequently because I'm vain like that, I mostly think of how much younger I looked and how naive I was. I want to laugh at how well I thought I knew my husband after two years of dating. And I think of how much I've learned since then -- about myself, about him, and about marriage.
 |
| The face of someone 100% certain about her life choices. |
Besides the fact that everyone has weird behavior you're not fully aware of, and don't want to know about, here are some other things I've learned:
Manners are a gift we give each other.
In my house, the only ones allowed to fart and burp freely are the kiddo and the dogs. This is mostly because the kiddo is too young to learn polite manners, and I haven't figured out how to teach the dogs how to hold it in. I believe that just because you can doesn't mean you should, and this applies to gastric emissions as well. Good manners are essential to keeping all relationships civil and respectful. You say please and thank you, you act kindly toward each other, and you keep your gas to yourself.
"It's not a contest," says the person who's winning.
It will never be 50/50. House cleaning, cooking, taking care of the child, working -- one person will always be doing more of something and less of something else. Some days it's 90/10 and some days it's 55/45. That's alright. It's part of the fluidity of marriage. During those times when you feel like you've got the heavy end of the load, try -- really, really try -- to remind yourself of all the things your spouse does instead of focusing on what he or she does not. Most importantly, talk about the frustrations and inequalities, or else you risk building up resentment. And when your partner says, "You get more alone time/pizza/hot water/covers/data minutes/whatever than I do," the correct answer is never, "It's not a contest." Unless you want a punch in the face.
You go to bed angry, and that's okay.
Look, Rome didn't burn overnight. Or maybe it did; I didn't really pay attention in world history class because I was too busy passing notes about how cute Jonathan Brandis is. (It was the '90s. Don't judge.) My point is that a solid relationship won't crumble if you take a time out to get some rest, regroup, and calm down. My mother used to tell me "it will all look better in the morning." And frequently, it does.
In sickness and in health doesn't mean what you think it does.
I always pictured two little gray-haired people, stooped with age. She reminds him to take his blood pressure pills, and he says "What's that about fresh water gills?" because he's deaf. Aww, isn't that cute? It's a far cry from being in charge of removing what's left of your husband's dissolving stitches after surgery, or your husband running to the drug store for toilet paper and Immodium because you ate some bad barbecue. Sickness isn't pretty, and it's not reserved for the old. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to be taken care of, and be patient and caring enough to take care of someone else. Even if it involves poop.
Fake it 'til you make it.
There are days when you are not feeling it. Sometimes entire weeks. And you miss those days of early courtship when all was exciting and new and the washing machine didn't smell funky. And you dream about walking away and starting over, because maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. It's days like this when I employ the Alcoholics Anonymous tactic of putting it off one day at a time. You wake up and think tomorrow I'll call it quits. Today I have to do laundry despite the funky smell. And you get up the day after that and say tomorrow I'll leave. Today the kid has a doctor's appointment. And you just keep pushing through the rough spots and saying "I love you" and working at it until you can buy some of that Tide Washing Machine Cleaner. It's good stuff.
Because in the end, love isn't even a little bit like songs and movies and sonnets. That's infatuation, and it's fleeting. I think if more people recognized the difference, we'd have fewer divorces. No offense to Elizabeth Taylor.
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