Dinosaur Roars and Classmate Conflicts

"Maybe he's sad," he told me. "Or jealous of my awesome dinosaur roar."

My 8-year-old and I were laying on his bed after lights-out a few weeks ago, discussing his day. Lately he's been dealing with some mild teasing at school. A couple of classmates have been telling him he's annoying, locking him out of recess games, and mocking his first name. It's nothing that we feel rises to the level of bullying, but rather the low-level needling that virtually all schoolchildren endure at some point. 

"That's what my friend said. That if someone teases you, it's because they're jealous," he added, and then demonstrated a velociraptor sound that fell somewhere between gargling alligator and demon-possessed lion. If he wants to think other children only wish they could sound that vicious, who am I to argue? 

But how do you explain to your kids that sometimes people are just mean?

The unfortunate truth is, it's a tough world out there. Despite all the advances that have made life better and easier, people are still human - and humans can be cruel. There will always be some who don't like you no matter who or what you are. 

We're grateful that our children's school puts a heavy focus on kindness, friendship, and inclusion. It sets the tone, but it won't entirely eliminate encounters with people indulging their baser instincts.

Ready, set, be strong.

My oldest was born sensitive and empathetic, which are feelings we've tried to foster. They are priceless attributes that the world needs more of. But life is going to be even harder for him because of these traits - the softest, sweetest fruits tend to bruise most easily. 

Then last week my boy came home with a souvenir from one of those character-building experiences.

During lunch, two first-graders were annoying an older staff member by slapping their lunch boxes near him, producing a loud, repeated wham. My second-grader wasn't sure if the gentleman - a grandfather-looking type who helps move recess equipment and supervises after-school care - liked being included in this "game," so he approached the younger kids and asked them to stop. At the same time, one of the kids began to back away and accidentally ran into my son, bumping him in the mouth and splitting his lip. 

"I got into someone else's problem, which I know I shouldn't have," he told his teacher after visiting the nurse. I'm proud of him for recognizing that we should let others solve their own problems first. But I'm more proud that he saw someone in an undesirable situation and tried to help. 

The same emotional maturity is (sometimes) on display when my son is trying to navigate being teased. 

"I'm trying to ignore it," he told me a few weeks back, after the dinosaur roar conversation. "I don't want to get him in trouble." 

Maybe the kids who sometimes make fun of my kiddo really are feeling sad or jealous, or something equally heavy. During kindergarten he had conflicts with a specific child I'll call David. Over and over that year, we heard tales of small annoyances and misbehaviors. Then at first-grade parent orientation, I saw David was being raised by a combination of an overworked mom and an older grandparent. Maybe he was being shuttled between adults, or maybe they were on hard times. Those are definitely reasons a child might act unkind. This year, a different kid my son has struggled with is repeating second grade, and maybe that kid feels embarrassed or resentful and is lashing out.  

Or maybe kids are just mean to each other for no good reason. Children are impulsive, they're still developing social skills, and their brains are still maturing. They often do whatever they can get away with. Sometimes they target the kind kids under the mistaken impression that kindness equals weakness. 

Most of the time we will never know what is behind another person's behavior. And sometimes that person - especially if he's a child - can't explain it either.

For the most part, my husband and I are trying to let our son address the teasing himself without our intervening. Mean and difficult people exist in all ages and stages of life and the sooner we learn how to deal with it, the better. He's exercising a boatload of skills by trying to handle it on his own - including communication, conflict management, and emotional regulation (something he could use more practice with anyhow).

We're offering him tips: tell the classmate to stop. Walk away. Find someone else to play with or sit beside. Ignore it. If it still continues and it upsets you deeply, it's time to tell an adult.

All of this is easier said than done. I know, because I lived it. I never fit in during my school years, I had few friends, and I was teased, mocked, and made fun of - a couple times publicly. All of it hurt. But in some ways it helped me prepare for other, significantly more difficult relationships in adulthood. 

Sometimes my beloved firstborn listens, and sometimes not so much. During a particularly rough week at school last month, he head-butted one of the boys he thought was making fun of him at recess. Thankfully his classmate wasn't hurt, but the stunt earned my kid a note sent home, among other consequences. The bad news is he lost permission to play Roblox. The good news is now the teacher is involved, and can help keep an eye on the situation until the school year ends. 

I'd like to believe that most kids are mostly good, and this is just a rough season in what will otherwise be my son's long, happy life. If nothing else, the head-butting will be an amusing story for me to tell his future wife.

Sartre said hell is other people, and sometimes it is. But paradise can also be found with other people, too. Here's hoping he'll find the right kids to make fierce dinosaur roars with him.