WTF, Barbie?
A few months ago, my then-4-year-old son was a bit under the weather -- froggy throat, crusty nose, occasional cough. So we spent the morning of an otherwise beautiful fall day watching cartoons. Usually I stick to the educational stuff, but he saw a commercial for something about genies who grant wishes while getting into mayhem, and he begged to watch more. Who can resist a flying carpet story and a nemesis with long purple hair? Sure, why not. During a break in the mystical action, we saw this commercial for something called Barbie New Born Pups.
In the ad, Barbie kneels next to a blonde dog of unrecognizable pedigree-- a golden retriever maybe? -- and gives it a loving scratch. The next thing you know, human hands push down on the dog's back, the dog crouches down a bit, and from out of the dog's middle region falls a puppy.
There's no warning, no signs of labor, no backstory about a lovable mutt neighbor-dog who jumped over the fence a few months ago. Just BAM. A puppy falls from her middle.
And then, right before my eyes, it happened twice more.
I'm no dog scientist, but I'm pretty sure this is not the way whelping happens in real life.
As you can imagine, this led to an awkward conversation with my son. Because you can't see a plastic dog give birth from the wrong part of her body without it bringing up some interesting questions, even if you're 4 years old.
I can see why he thought mama dog was peeing out the puppy. He's seen our male dog take that wide stance to pee outside when there was nothing interesting to mark with a lifted leg. For a while around age 3, he was very interested in peering under the (somewhat perturbed) dog to watch the action. Because kids are curious. And kids are weird.
I had my own questions about this commercial, and it had little to do with penises.
First, why is she standing up? Mama dogs don't give birth standing up. That's mostly for long-legged mammals who don't have access to comfortable beds or tubs full of water (if that's your thing). I've been through labor twice, and trust me when I say standing during a contraction was not a possibility.
As far as my son's confusion, I can't say I didn't see this day coming. At four-and-a-half, he had yet to acknowledge the differences between boys' and girls' bodies, even though he's helped change his little sister's diaper, walked in on his dad in the shower, walked in on me in the bathroom, and one time took a bath with his sister that ended in chaos and flooding. (Never again will I do a joint bath.)
He's had ample opportunity to ask why girls have different equipment. He knows some people are boys and some are girls. (The finer points of sex, gender identity, and hermaphroditism I'm leaving until at least 6.) I guess it's never crossed his mind to bring it up. Or maybe he already has it figured out and didn't care to inquire further.
I guess he still doesn't feel the need to ask, because he dropped the subject after I told him he couldn't look for my penis. Lord help us both when it's time to discuss where babies really come from, because Barbie has led us astray.
In the ad, Barbie kneels next to a blonde dog of unrecognizable pedigree-- a golden retriever maybe? -- and gives it a loving scratch. The next thing you know, human hands push down on the dog's back, the dog crouches down a bit, and from out of the dog's middle region falls a puppy.
There's no warning, no signs of labor, no backstory about a lovable mutt neighbor-dog who jumped over the fence a few months ago. Just BAM. A puppy falls from her middle.
 |
| WTF did I just see? |
And then, right before my eyes, it happened twice more.
I'm no dog scientist, but I'm pretty sure this is not the way whelping happens in real life.
As you can imagine, this led to an awkward conversation with my son. Because you can't see a plastic dog give birth from the wrong part of her body without it bringing up some interesting questions, even if you're 4 years old.
4yo: The mama dog has puppies from her penis!
Me: The mama dog is a girl. Mamas don't have penises.
4yo: *looks thoughtful* Can I see your penis?
Me: I don't have a penis.
4yo: Let me check.
Me: No.
Me: No.
 |
| Yikes. |
I can see why he thought mama dog was peeing out the puppy. He's seen our male dog take that wide stance to pee outside when there was nothing interesting to mark with a lifted leg. For a while around age 3, he was very interested in peering under the (somewhat perturbed) dog to watch the action. Because kids are curious. And kids are weird.
I had my own questions about this commercial, and it had little to do with penises.
First, why is she standing up? Mama dogs don't give birth standing up. That's mostly for long-legged mammals who don't have access to comfortable beds or tubs full of water (if that's your thing). I've been through labor twice, and trust me when I say standing during a contraction was not a possibility.
Second, I'm not a veterinarian, but I've seen enough Grey's Anatomy to know the puppy appears to be coming from the area of the dog's diaphragm. Unless an alien has been using the poor thing as a host to incubate its babies, that is not where a pup should come out.
Third, noticeably absent from this whole scenario is papa dog. Let's bypass the fact that dogs don't just get pregnant on their own. Now that she's got three extra mouths to feed, necks to buy collars for, and brains to put through obedience school, she's going to need to the financial and emotional support of daddy dog. Is he waiting in the next room with candy cigars to hand out to his buddies (the ones he's playing poker with in that famous painting)? Did he run to the store for extra puppy pads and kibble? Did he disown the puppies as being fathered by another dog while he was out of town on important doggie business?
Alternatively, I suppose there's the chance that she is a progressive, independent woman canine who knew her biological clock was ticking and in absence of a suitable mate, decided to get pregnant and raise her puppies without a man. That's not a choice I would make since raising kids is hard enough with two parents, never mind going it alone, but to each her own.
Lastly, why is it necessary to have a toy that actually gives birth? Wouldn't it just be enough to have a mama dog and some cute little dogs and skip the part where they fall out of her and miraculously land right-side-up? My 2-year-old daughter thinks everything is a family unit -- Little People, stuffed animals, cars, cosmetics -- any time there is more than two of a thing she assumes one is mommy, one is daddy, and one is baby. We don't need the part where baby makes its actual arrival.
Third, noticeably absent from this whole scenario is papa dog. Let's bypass the fact that dogs don't just get pregnant on their own. Now that she's got three extra mouths to feed, necks to buy collars for, and brains to put through obedience school, she's going to need to the financial and emotional support of daddy dog. Is he waiting in the next room with candy cigars to hand out to his buddies (the ones he's playing poker with in that famous painting)? Did he run to the store for extra puppy pads and kibble? Did he disown the puppies as being fathered by another dog while he was out of town on important doggie business?
Alternatively, I suppose there's the chance that she is a progressive, independent woman canine who knew her biological clock was ticking and in absence of a suitable mate, decided to get pregnant and raise her puppies without a man. That's not a choice I would make since raising kids is hard enough with two parents, never mind going it alone, but to each her own.
Lastly, why is it necessary to have a toy that actually gives birth? Wouldn't it just be enough to have a mama dog and some cute little dogs and skip the part where they fall out of her and miraculously land right-side-up? My 2-year-old daughter thinks everything is a family unit -- Little People, stuffed animals, cars, cosmetics -- any time there is more than two of a thing she assumes one is mommy, one is daddy, and one is baby. We don't need the part where baby makes its actual arrival.
As far as my son's confusion, I can't say I didn't see this day coming. At four-and-a-half, he had yet to acknowledge the differences between boys' and girls' bodies, even though he's helped change his little sister's diaper, walked in on his dad in the shower, walked in on me in the bathroom, and one time took a bath with his sister that ended in chaos and flooding. (Never again will I do a joint bath.)
He's had ample opportunity to ask why girls have different equipment. He knows some people are boys and some are girls. (The finer points of sex, gender identity, and hermaphroditism I'm leaving until at least 6.) I guess it's never crossed his mind to bring it up. Or maybe he already has it figured out and didn't care to inquire further.
I guess he still doesn't feel the need to ask, because he dropped the subject after I told him he couldn't look for my penis. Lord help us both when it's time to discuss where babies really come from, because Barbie has led us astray.
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