Sugar Pig Chooses a Cocktail
It's June. Look out -- summer is coming.
Ah, yes, summer in Ohio...those approximately 12 days in late July, when the temperatures creep up to a balmy 84 degrees and Lake Erie averages about 72 degrees. If you go, don't forget to bring a wet suit for wading -- the water's about 6-10 degrees colder than Livestrong.com recommends for vigorous exercise. Even triathlon competitors wear wetsuits in water colder than 78 degrees. There is no way this Gulf of Mexico girl is taking a relaxing dip in that.
Instead I will chill on our newly outfitted back deck, which now features a large cantilever umbrella to shield my fish-belly white skin from the sun and a 36-inch ottoman on which to prop my feet.
All that I'm missing is a fruity adult beverage. Unfortunately, my knowledge of alcohol ends at how much rum to put in a Captain and Coke. So when I need an easy fruity drink recipe, I yell one of my favorite battle cries: To Pinterest!
I type in the word "fruity" and, like the oracle that Pinterest is, it suggests the words "alcoholic beverage." Suddenly my screen is filled with mouthwatering photos of drinks in fun-shaped glasses.
Here's one called Sex in the Driveway.
That sounds like a major HOA violation. My homeowner's association sends nasty letters when someone parks his car in his own driveway but it's blocking the sidewalk. I can't imagine what kind of letter I would get if my naked bumper and headlights were hanging out for all the neighborhood to see. Plus, I don't know what Blue Curacao is. Wasn't that an Elvis movie? I'm going to pass on this one.
Here's one called Hippie Juice.
Wonder if it's made from real hippies. Does it taste like patchouli and free love? The picture says it's "from your skinny fiber distributor." What in the world is that? Sounds like a car engine part that is very expensive to replace. And it includes Triple Sec. I don't know what that is, but it seems like it should stop trying to sound fancy and just be called Three Seconds. I'm skipping this one too.
Pink Panty Dropper.
WTF, Pinterest? The description says "prepare to get lucky." It clearly has me confused with a man.
Tropical Painkiller.
Yikes. I know what happens when you take a tropical pain killer. You end up with a tattoo of a Mexican cutie and no clue how it got there. Am I right, Jimmy Buffet?
This is why I'm unproductive. All I do is criticize.
Port Royal Rum Punch.
Here's a rum punch that says it's easy but requires me to peel, slice, and quarter three oranges. Perhaps we are not in agreement on the definition of "easy." Plus it calls for an entire bottle of rum. What am I going to drink the next night?
Mango rum and lemonade.
Finally a contender! I'm saving that one to my Adult Beverages board. Even if I've never heard of Cruzan, and I'm skeptical about mango rum.
Sparkling blueberry mojito.
Who keeps mint leaves on hand? People who grow herbs in cute little pots on not-dust-covered windowsills, that's who. Not me.
Fruity Pebble Margarita.
No. Just...no.
Peached Whale?
Minus 10 points for bad pun. I'm not even reading the ingredients.
VERDICT: You have failed me, Pinterest.
Maybe Google will be of more help. I type in "easy fruity cocktails" and finally find a Buzzfeed list of super easy sangrias. That's where I come across this recipe for Poor Man's Sangria.
The ingredients listed are "red wine, orange soda, and sheer ambition." Finally a cocktail that has come down to my level.
VERDICT: Pretty sure I'm only half-assing it in the "sheer ambition" department, but the soda and wine make a fairly good cocktail. It will work, at least until the next time I'm on a real beach enjoying a fruity drink made by a real bartender.
To the back deck!
Ah, yes, summer in Ohio...those approximately 12 days in late July, when the temperatures creep up to a balmy 84 degrees and Lake Erie averages about 72 degrees. If you go, don't forget to bring a wet suit for wading -- the water's about 6-10 degrees colder than Livestrong.com recommends for vigorous exercise. Even triathlon competitors wear wetsuits in water colder than 78 degrees. There is no way this Gulf of Mexico girl is taking a relaxing dip in that.
Instead I will chill on our newly outfitted back deck, which now features a large cantilever umbrella to shield my fish-belly white skin from the sun and a 36-inch ottoman on which to prop my feet.
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| My happy place |
All that I'm missing is a fruity adult beverage. Unfortunately, my knowledge of alcohol ends at how much rum to put in a Captain and Coke. So when I need an easy fruity drink recipe, I yell one of my favorite battle cries: To Pinterest!
I type in the word "fruity" and, like the oracle that Pinterest is, it suggests the words "alcoholic beverage." Suddenly my screen is filled with mouthwatering photos of drinks in fun-shaped glasses.
Here's one called Sex in the Driveway.
That sounds like a major HOA violation. My homeowner's association sends nasty letters when someone parks his car in his own driveway but it's blocking the sidewalk. I can't imagine what kind of letter I would get if my naked bumper and headlights were hanging out for all the neighborhood to see. Plus, I don't know what Blue Curacao is. Wasn't that an Elvis movie? I'm going to pass on this one.
Here's one called Hippie Juice.
Wonder if it's made from real hippies. Does it taste like patchouli and free love? The picture says it's "from your skinny fiber distributor." What in the world is that? Sounds like a car engine part that is very expensive to replace. And it includes Triple Sec. I don't know what that is, but it seems like it should stop trying to sound fancy and just be called Three Seconds. I'm skipping this one too.
Pink Panty Dropper.
WTF, Pinterest? The description says "prepare to get lucky." It clearly has me confused with a man.
Tropical Painkiller.
Yikes. I know what happens when you take a tropical pain killer. You end up with a tattoo of a Mexican cutie and no clue how it got there. Am I right, Jimmy Buffet?
This is why I'm unproductive. All I do is criticize.
Port Royal Rum Punch.
Here's a rum punch that says it's easy but requires me to peel, slice, and quarter three oranges. Perhaps we are not in agreement on the definition of "easy." Plus it calls for an entire bottle of rum. What am I going to drink the next night?
Mango rum and lemonade.
Finally a contender! I'm saving that one to my Adult Beverages board. Even if I've never heard of Cruzan, and I'm skeptical about mango rum.
Sparkling blueberry mojito.
Who keeps mint leaves on hand? People who grow herbs in cute little pots on not-dust-covered windowsills, that's who. Not me.
Fruity Pebble Margarita.
No. Just...no.
Peached Whale?
VERDICT: You have failed me, Pinterest.
Maybe Google will be of more help. I type in "easy fruity cocktails" and finally find a Buzzfeed list of super easy sangrias. That's where I come across this recipe for Poor Man's Sangria.
The ingredients listed are "red wine, orange soda, and sheer ambition." Finally a cocktail that has come down to my level.
VERDICT: Pretty sure I'm only half-assing it in the "sheer ambition" department, but the soda and wine make a fairly good cocktail. It will work, at least until the next time I'm on a real beach enjoying a fruity drink made by a real bartender.
To the back deck!
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