Things I Don't Need Anymore

Free to a good home - 3 postpartum maxi pads

Designed to absorb Lake Erie

For the discerning woman who recently pushed something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a walnut. Pink-wrapped, NWOT pads are genuine hospital-issue and approximately the thickness of a queen pillow-top mattress. The high-end luxury hotel kind, not the bargain-basement mattresses found in Motel 6. Designed to absorb Lake Erie every eight hours without any pesky leaks or troublesome Asian carp. Generously sized, these formidable pads will easily span any woman's mangled undercarriage, from her gelatinous post-baby bellybutton to the top of her tremendously sore ass crack. Works nicely with ice packs. Suggested use: from first days home from hospital until you can sit down without wincing (approximately 7-14 days). Also would work as a comfortable resting place for any medium-sized dog, such as golden retriever or basset hound. As a bonus, you can compare your once-perky boobs to the basset hound's floor-dragging ears.

Also available - 6 Always brand extra heavy overnight maxi pads. Features wings, but will not fly unless user is currently taking Percocet. Stylish purple wrapping; approximate size and thickness of twin mattress (Disney themed bedding not included), but will seem dainty compared to hospital issued pads. Perfect for a more active postpartum lifestyle, including frequent midnight feedings, the infant bounce-and-sway move, and crying alone in the bathroom. Also make great padsicles. (Caution: not for human consumption.) Suggested use: 14 days postpartum until you stop bleeding like a hemophiliac. Can be combined with granny-style panties as an intimacy deterrent until user is ready to engage in sexual activity again, i.e. 3-4 years after giving birth.

post id: 20160115-1
posted: 2016-01-15 5:16pm

Same consistency as cold molasses

For sale or trade - barely used tube of Lansinoh lanolin breast cream
Recommended by doctors. Soothes and protects sore, dry, and cracked nipples...provided you can withstand having to spackle it onto sore, dry, and cracked nipples. Roughly the same consistency as cold molasses, though likely not as tasty as a food additive for humans. Disclaimer: This substance may be delicious to dogs. Another disclaimer: Will cause diarrhea in dogs if consumed. (Bad boy, Rudy!) Purchased in preparation for newborn who adamantly refused to nurse, despite being told how expensive formula is. At least 1oz of 1.4-oz tube left to soothe the breastfeeding mother's nipples. Or even if you're not breastfeeding, or not a woman. I won't judge. Willing to trade for Enfamil baby formula (any size) or dog obedience classes.

post id: 20160115-2
posted: 2016-01-15 7:01pm