Or I Will Knock You Out Myself
My dear, sweet child to whom I gave life,
I love you more than all the stars in the sky. Even more than all the dog hair on my carpet. But if you do not lie down and take a nap, I will come up there and knock you out myself.
After all, sweet precious child, sleep is very important. It's like rain is to flowers: nourishing, tranquil, refreshing. You need sleep because you are a growing, learning, busy little boy. And because without a daily nap, you morph into a whiny, demanding asshole for the remainder of the day. I simply cannot handle that today, or any day, ever. It makes me want to snuff out that spark of life I planted in you with a loving karate-chop to your vagus nerve.
Let me remind you, love of my heart. Relay races from one side of your crib to the other is not napping. Taking off all of your clothes -- AND YOUR DIAPER -- not napping. Throwing your lovey up in the air just to watch it fall and cackling maniacally, also not napping. Rolling on your back making windshield wiper motions with your legs...still not napping. Headstands in the corner of the crib to kick the wall: definitely not napping. No, darling honey pie, SLEEP is napping. Only your drifting off into the sweet, quiet respite of dreamland can keep me sane right now. So lie down, be very still, close your beautiful eyes, and sleep. Or I will MAKE you sleep, sohelpmegod.
You see, my kind and beautiful boy, nap time is Momma Time. I need it to recharge my mom batteries, to get some measure of mental stimulation in my day via Candy Crush, to drink from the fountain of How I Met Your Mother reruns (two hours worth on FX!), and most importantly, so I can take my own nap if I wish. I need these 120 minutes -- each and every last one of them -- as much as you need to wear gloves and boots in the house, as much as you need to take your sippy cup into the bath with you, as much as you need to try to unlock the car door while we're flying down the highway at 65 mph. Yes, that much.
This isn't optional, darling son. It's required. And if I have to, I will take my Momma Time while you lay there alone, cold and pantsless and infuriatingly awake, because I have earned these moments to myself.
XOXO,
Momma
I love you more than all the stars in the sky. Even more than all the dog hair on my carpet. But if you do not lie down and take a nap, I will come up there and knock you out myself.
After all, sweet precious child, sleep is very important. It's like rain is to flowers: nourishing, tranquil, refreshing. You need sleep because you are a growing, learning, busy little boy. And because without a daily nap, you morph into a whiny, demanding asshole for the remainder of the day. I simply cannot handle that today, or any day, ever. It makes me want to snuff out that spark of life I planted in you with a loving karate-chop to your vagus nerve.
Let me remind you, love of my heart. Relay races from one side of your crib to the other is not napping. Taking off all of your clothes -- AND YOUR DIAPER -- not napping. Throwing your lovey up in the air just to watch it fall and cackling maniacally, also not napping. Rolling on your back making windshield wiper motions with your legs...still not napping. Headstands in the corner of the crib to kick the wall: definitely not napping. No, darling honey pie, SLEEP is napping. Only your drifting off into the sweet, quiet respite of dreamland can keep me sane right now. So lie down, be very still, close your beautiful eyes, and sleep. Or I will MAKE you sleep, sohelpmegod.
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| Nope. |
You see, my kind and beautiful boy, nap time is Momma Time. I need it to recharge my mom batteries, to get some measure of mental stimulation in my day via Candy Crush, to drink from the fountain of How I Met Your Mother reruns (two hours worth on FX!), and most importantly, so I can take my own nap if I wish. I need these 120 minutes -- each and every last one of them -- as much as you need to wear gloves and boots in the house, as much as you need to take your sippy cup into the bath with you, as much as you need to try to unlock the car door while we're flying down the highway at 65 mph. Yes, that much.
This isn't optional, darling son. It's required. And if I have to, I will take my Momma Time while you lay there alone, cold and pantsless and infuriatingly awake, because I have earned these moments to myself.
XOXO,
Momma
I enjoyed reeading your post
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