How to Take Your Children to a Corn Farm Fall Festival in Ohio

 

1. Don't.
2. I really mean it. You think it will be fun, but it won't.
3. You think it will be all family bonding, laughing while inexplicably wading through a vat of uncooked corn kernels, sipping cider on an outlandishly oversized, rough-hewn wooden swing while gazing at one another lovingly.
4. It will not be like that.
5. It will be hell on a farm, which is already a kind of hell, with goats scream-bleating at you and children getting rub-burns on snot-slick plastic slides after losing their squares of scratchy carpet and expensive small-batch caramel corn flying everywhere and $50 for a lumpy pumpkin you have to hack off the prickly vine yourself and someone will cry.
6. Someone is always crying.
7. Sometimes that someone is you.
8. And there is no alcohol for purchase at this farm.
9. Stay home and stream a movie instead.
10. Microwave popcorn is fine.