More Things I Never Thought I'd Have to Say

Almost five years ago, I gifted the world a list of Things I Never Thought I'd Have to Say, an ongoing collection of utterances that made me pause and think, "WTF did I just say to my child?" 

Gems included please don't lick the dog, we don't cook our friends, and don't high-five him in the face.

Since 2020, I have said dozens more of these bizarre sentences to the two small humans who live in my house and follow me around, asking for snacks and screen time. 

Because parenting is weird.

Any time you try to teach another person what shouldn't be eaten, how to be kind to others, and also how to act in public, things are bound to get muddled.

It's time for an update of what I've said. 

Strange sentences about food

Please don't put Goldfish in your ears
Don't hit yourself in the face with carrots.
You have cranberry sauce on your glasses.
Please don't put hot dogs inside your pockets.
There's no reason to ever take syrup into the bathroom.
Please don't lick the salsa.
Cucumbers are definitely *not* cold-blooded.
How, why, is there pizza sauce on your sock?
I don't think volcanoes grow from seeds.
Don't put ketchup up your nose.
Who put a baseball in the ice cube dispenser?
I don't think cavemen had cheese.
I don't think bananas give you dancing skills.

Weird things having to do with animals

The dog is not a wheelbarrow.
There's no way to put handcuffs on a duck.
I don't think snakes can drink out of a cup very well.
I don't know if the dog can be taught to breathe through a snorkel.
No, you can't present your book report in meows.
Generally speaking, firemen are not monkeys.
I don't know that sharks fly on airplanes.
Santa is not a goat in disguise.
Well, I don't know that we can find a duck on short notice.
Donkeys don't usually jump out of airplanes.
Frogs don't have breasts.
I really don't recommend eating live fish.
I don't think you can train a snake.
You think giraffes speak Spanish?
Don't show your butt to the lizard.
And that's why dinosaurs shouldn't drink alcohol.
Please don't punch a goose.
Don't yeet your bunnies.
We don't meow during mass.
I rarely think about fishes' teeth.
I don't know how one would go about *borrowing* an alligator.

Why can't you just act normal?

Do not head-butt the Christmas tree.
Please don't lick the Batmobile.
Don't use your mask as a slingshot.
Nobody wants you to be Booger Man.
Don't lick your underarm.
Let's not beat up anybody else's inflatable decorations.
Don't lick your knees.

Let's not drown the mermaids, please.
Stop singing songs about poop.
Let's not rub our butts on each other, okay?
I don't think you'd bring a flamethrower to a party.
Math is not an emotion.
I don't know whether people get hiccups in heaven.
No, I will not smell your armpit.

Bonus

I wouldn't want to have laser eyes. I'd probably just abuse my power.

Double bonus!

I don't really know her. But I know she thinks I'm a really good mom, which means she doesn't have all the facts.

Hands-down greatest of all time

Please don't rizz up the babysitter.