How to Write a Work Email From Home

Me: *clicks new message icon"

"Hello again, Karen. I hope things are going well for you. Our giveaway contest is going extremely well. Thanks again for helping get that set up. I'm reaching out for two reasons"

3yo, in the living room: Momma!

Me, from the office: What?

3yo: The dog won't stop licking me

Me, yelling: Chappy, STOP LICKING HER

"After this current lickaway" backspace "giveaway is over, we're going to run a second one for Q4"

3yo, suddenly in office: Momma!

Me, startled: ACK. What?

3yo *hands me a lavender ball of tulle and fake velvet*: Will you put on my princess dress

Me: Okay, but then you have to go have quiet time so Momma can work *struggles to find dress's neck hole, which won't fit over child's head because she's trying to put her head and arms through the neck hole at the same time while also holding her dolly*

3yo, muffled: Ma dis dresh doeshnt fet

Me: *forces head through the hole but can't get hands through the princess sleeves because she's still holding dolly* You need to drop Dolly, please

3yo: *drops doll*

Dog: *immediately picks up doll and runs out of the office, down the hall, through the living room, and hides with contraband plush under the coffee table*

WAHM multitasking

"but with a different lits" backspace "list"

3yo, as if her hair is on fire: CHAPPY HAS MY DOLLY!

Me: *huffs out of desk chair, finds dog, yells at dog to DROP IT, hands wet dolly back to daughter*

3yo: Momma, can you dry off Dolly?

Me: *ineffectually wiping Dolly with paper towel* Momma's trying to work right now, honey. Please stop interrupting me so I can concentrate. 

"Second, we wants to have your arthur be are" backspace "our guest for December. His interview would bring nice clothes" backspace "closure to the two giveaways while giving him an opportunity to do a good plush" backspace" push just in time for"

3yo: Momma!

Me: Whaaat?

3yo: I have to go poopy in the potty!

Me: Well, GO! You know how!

3yo: I need you to take off my princess dress first!

Me: *closes eyes, tries to take deep breath* *removes lavender tulle mass*

3yo: Will you take care of my Dolly while I'm gone? If she cries you need to give her a bottle--

Me: Yes, got it. I've had babies before.

"the rush of holiday shoop      "

Dog: *crawls under desk and gets tangled in wires, pulling keyboard plug from computer tower* 

Me: Oh you stupid dog *crawls under desk and gets dog untangled from wires, finds wayward UBS plug, tries to insert into port, flips it over and tries to insert it the other way, flips it over again and tries the first way, finally gets keyboard connected*

"holiday shooping. We thinks this wood be excellent way two" 

3yo: MOOOOMMMMA!

Me, annoyed: WHAT?!

3yo: Can you wrap up my Dolly?

Me: I said not right now, I'm trying to work

3yo: But she's cold and she's starting to cry WAAAAAAAH

Me: *lays wet doll on computer keyboard and somehow remembers how to fashion a swaddle"

"JKL;WJEN,.KOL;EJKLS;89LIOL99999999999999999999" dammit backspace "In a nuts hell, we'd like to by a second watch of books, give he more pooplicity, and have him on the shoe" backspace "shoe" backspace again "show in time for the holidays."

Short-nosed officemate

Dog: *attempts to jump in lap, smacks head on desk*

Me: Oh you STUPID DOG *hoists dog awkwardly between desk and legs onto lap*

Dog: *curls into ball, buries head in crook of my arm effectively blocking own nostrils, begins to snore like lumberjack*

"Whiz time, we'd like this lits of books to people who aren’t red widely should be. It wood great if"

Dog: *snaps awake to intruder only he can see, launches off lap toward office door, leaves four long angry scratches on my right thigh one of which begins to bleed"*

Me: OWWWW STUPID DOG 

"listeners able something about loaf and grassitude from the works. But the main thing is giving nod those new, urp-and-combers, not getting should"

3yo, handing me a jar of Gummy Vitamins: Momma can I have another vitamin?

Me, still typing: No. The directions say you can only have one.

3yo: But what about after dinner?

Me: No, you can only have one.

3yo: But not right now. After dinner.

Me: I said no. You've already had one. You're not allowed two.

3yo: But after dinner.

Me: *squeezes eyes shut, rubs forehead* Honey, please go in the living room. Momma's trying to do important work right now.

3yo: Awwww *shuffles away crying crocodile tears*  

"Those bucks wood be discussed interview. We ax that he travel to stud" backspace" studio for a quantity recording. Currently avail October 15 and 37 from 13-nun a.m.

"Pls respond."

Good enough.

*closes gmail*