A Better Place to Bloom
It's been just over two years since we made the heart-wrenching decision to withdraw our son two weeks into his second year in a preschool program. They had declared him "atypical of his peers," insisted on having him evaluated despite advice to the contrary from his doctor and a former school psychologist, and told us they didn't have the services he needed (before knowing or caring what his actual needs were).
Two years ago I was beside myself with outrage, displeasure, and anxiety. I knew we needed to get him out of there and onto a different path, even if I didn't know which direction to go. My job was merely to do the next right thing, one thing at a time, until we found where we were supposed to be.
The best choice we have made for our son was rejecting the school's pushes to have him labeled at such a young age, and enrolling him in a Montessori setting where he could blossom in his own time with people who believed he was capable.
At first he missed his old friends desperately and resisted participating in class activities, just like at the first school. Little by little though, he warmed up to the new setting and became a much happier child. He stopped throwing tantrums at pick-up time. He talked about school instead of crying during the drive home. He made new friends. By Christmas, the boy who had been terrified of crowds was standing with his classmates before an auditorium of at least two hundred parents. By spring the child who had struggled against school was counting to 100, helping other children during playtime, and knew most of his letters and letter sounds. At the end of his Montessori year he was a different kid. And he was ready for kindergarten, which, sadly, wasn't provided by that facility.
The second best decision we made for him was enrolling in kindergarten at a different, more inclusive school that takes a wider view of "normal." He is now a few months into first grade and flourishing -- without formal intervention. He is happy, successful, and excited about school. We couldn't have asked for a better outcome after such a discouraging start.
As I think about how far we've come during the last two years, I realize the first school was both right and terribly wrong.
It's not all sunshine and rainbows, because nothing is. Like any child, he has struggles. He has bad days and bad weeks. He sometimes loses all of his good conduct stars because he'd rather play than learn, or he bombs an assignment because he couldn't (or wouldn't) focus. That's normal for a first-grader. That's actually great -- these are teachable moments. And the school is working to teach him, not judge him for falling short.
My son has grown tremendously since we left that school two years ago, and we're in the right place now to continue that trajectory. The new school has been such a positive experience that I sometimes wish we had chosen it to begin with. It certainly would have saved us much frustration, upset, and worry. But maybe he wouldn't be where he is now if not for these three schools in three years. Maybe we had things to learn from that monumentally bad experience.
My biggest takeaway is every child has different strengths, weaknesses, and needs -- and that's just fine. Don't let a school bully you into thinking your child can't if you think he can, but not just yet. Like flowers, they all bloom in their own time.
This ordeal also reinforced a mantra I have to tell myself daily: one thing at a time. You don't have to know where you'll end up. One right step can lead to another right step until suddenly you're out of the woods and you can feel a little bit of the sun on your face. Just keep going.
Two years ago I was beside myself with outrage, displeasure, and anxiety. I knew we needed to get him out of there and onto a different path, even if I didn't know which direction to go. My job was merely to do the next right thing, one thing at a time, until we found where we were supposed to be.
 |
| A banana and an orange are different, but both grow from flowers. |
The best choice we have made for our son was rejecting the school's pushes to have him labeled at such a young age, and enrolling him in a Montessori setting where he could blossom in his own time with people who believed he was capable.
At first he missed his old friends desperately and resisted participating in class activities, just like at the first school. Little by little though, he warmed up to the new setting and became a much happier child. He stopped throwing tantrums at pick-up time. He talked about school instead of crying during the drive home. He made new friends. By Christmas, the boy who had been terrified of crowds was standing with his classmates before an auditorium of at least two hundred parents. By spring the child who had struggled against school was counting to 100, helping other children during playtime, and knew most of his letters and letter sounds. At the end of his Montessori year he was a different kid. And he was ready for kindergarten, which, sadly, wasn't provided by that facility.
The second best decision we made for him was enrolling in kindergarten at a different, more inclusive school that takes a wider view of "normal." He is now a few months into first grade and flourishing -- without formal intervention. He is happy, successful, and excited about school. We couldn't have asked for a better outcome after such a discouraging start.
 |
| Things to be happy about. |
As I think about how far we've come during the last two years, I realize the first school was both right and terribly wrong.
- They were right that my son is "atypical of his peers." He's more sensitive, thoughtful, and emotional than many almost-7-year-olds. Both his kindergarten and first grade teachers have noted that he is very kind to his classmates. I'd rather have the nice kid who needs a little extra time than the precocious kid who's a jerk. He's also high-energy with a vivid imagination. He learns better by doing rather than being told.
- They were right he needed to be evaluated. He needed to be looked at as a whole child, not viewed through the filter of his supposed deficiencies (at age 4!). This school regularly looks at where he is, and also where he's going, and how to get there. The staff brainstorms alongside us if something is not working, and is willing to use their resources to find what does work.
- They were right he needed services they couldn't provide. Unlike his first school which had a heavy focus on achievement, this school teaches holistically. He is learning not just the three R's but also foundational skills in friendship, kindness, service, community, and diversity of ability.
It's not all sunshine and rainbows, because nothing is. Like any child, he has struggles. He has bad days and bad weeks. He sometimes loses all of his good conduct stars because he'd rather play than learn, or he bombs an assignment because he couldn't (or wouldn't) focus. That's normal for a first-grader. That's actually great -- these are teachable moments. And the school is working to teach him, not judge him for falling short.
My son has grown tremendously since we left that school two years ago, and we're in the right place now to continue that trajectory. The new school has been such a positive experience that I sometimes wish we had chosen it to begin with. It certainly would have saved us much frustration, upset, and worry. But maybe he wouldn't be where he is now if not for these three schools in three years. Maybe we had things to learn from that monumentally bad experience.
My biggest takeaway is every child has different strengths, weaknesses, and needs -- and that's just fine. Don't let a school bully you into thinking your child can't if you think he can, but not just yet. Like flowers, they all bloom in their own time.
This ordeal also reinforced a mantra I have to tell myself daily: one thing at a time. You don't have to know where you'll end up. One right step can lead to another right step until suddenly you're out of the woods and you can feel a little bit of the sun on your face. Just keep going.
Comments
Post a Comment