The Real Obituary

L. O., 65, was declared dead February 24, 2016. He was found by police in his rusted10-foot travel trailer which stank of mildew and stale cigarette smoke and was piled with trash, old newspaper clippings, and indecipherable notes written on the backs of Wal-mart receipts. In the absence of knowing what he wished done with his remains, L.'s family opted for the easiest and least expensive route of cremation. Pace-Stancil Funeral Home is handling arrangements, because they happened to be the mortuary on call that morning.

Born on March 11, 1950, in greater Cleveland, L. was a graduate of high school and college, though he made no discernible use of his education. He was a veteran of the U.S. Air Force for which he flew large, angry planes over Vietnam. Throughout his adult life his chronic unemployment was interrupted by an intermittent series of jobs, each apparently less skilled than the one before, which resulted in his living in several states including Arkansas, Missouri, California, and Pennsylvania. He and his family finally landed in Texas, where he spent most of his time in a broken brown recliner praying (which sounded a lot like snoring), breaking promises to his family, openly favoring his daughter over his son, and telling his children that the minutiae of their lives were "extraneous details" that he didn't have the time or the inclination to hear. His career hit rock-bottom when he was employed as a nighttime porter for the local Burger King. This job allowed him to seem less creepy when sitting in a car in the BK parking lot to watch his daughter drive by on her way to high school every morning for several months. After being asked to leave the family home -- a decision which was ultimately left up to his teenage daughter -- he lived at various times in Liberty, Ames, Anahuac, Wallisville, and Hardin, and probably a few more towns that have slipped from memory. Most recently he was a handyman and personal assistant for a disabled diabetic woman, helping ferry her to doctor appointments and the grocery store rather than visiting his newborn grandchildren. This woman reportedly died a few months prior to his own sudden demise.

In his spare time, L. enjoyed spending time outdoors watching wildlife, tuning into NASCAR races, using religion as an excuse, martyrdom, and telling people what a disappointment his son had turned out to be as though his exceedingly poor parenting had nothing to do with it.

He was preceded in death by his estranged wife, whom he claimed was over-medicated and unstable and had ceased taking care of long before his actual departure from the marriage; his mother, from whom he frequently borrowed money; and his father, whom by all accounts he despised.

He is survived by his daughter, to whom he clung but hardly knew; his son, to whom he hadn't spoken in nearly a year; two brothers; one sister; four grandchildren, one of whom he never met; and several nieces and nephews. He is also survived by his church family, who will tell you that he was a wonderful, Godly person who will be deeply missed and they had tried to help him.