Six Christmas Songs I Despise
Ah, Christmas - that special time of year when we jingle our bells, deck our halls, and throw all of our musical sensibilities out the window. Christmas albums mediocre and awful abound, featuring tired renditions of old favorites and new music that aims to be the next Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" but lands somewhere closer to Justin Beiber's rap-tastic "Drummer Boy."
Some songs just rub people the wrong way. I've heard a lot of complaints about "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas," for example. Other than the distinct possibility of being killed by a hippo, the song is kinda cute. I'd be interested in seeing how a child gives a hippo a massage in the garage, for example. Other people take issue with the violent nature of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." I don't have any problems with this one either; in fact, I agree with the statement that Santa Claus really shouldn't have a driver's license. He's a million years old, he only drives once a year, and who knows what he's been putting in his cocoa? We're lucky he hasn't crashed into a farmer's market yet and taken out several innocent bystanders.
On that note (pun intended), here are a few holiday songs I do wish I would never have to sit through again:
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" Once upon a time, this was a fine traditional Christmas carol. The night wind sees the North Star heralding Jesus's birth. The wind tells a lamb, who tells a shepherd, who tells a king, who tells the people that the Christ Child has come. It's all fine and good until you add in the Gremlins. Do you hear what I hear? Yes. I hear a gremlin being ground to green goo in a stainless steel blender bowl. After 1984, I could no longer hear this song without associating it with one of the most frightening movies of my impressionable childhood. Thanks for ruining Christmas Eve for everybody, mogwai.
"Last Christmas" by WHAM. Oh, George Michael, I hate to tell you this, but just because you mention Christmas in the lyrics doesn't make it a Christmas song. That's like saying Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go is a song about Yo-Yos. No, this is a break-up song. And not even a good one at that; honestly, Taylor Swift can do better. In fact, Taylor Swift did sing a cover of this and I still hated it.
"Baby It's Cold Outside" sung by Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting. On the surface, it's a catchy, jazzy tune. A man and a woman are out together, and the snow is falling, and they don't want to part. Sweet, right? A less-cheesy, more-romantic version of Let It Snow. But then you listen to the lyrics, and find that it's both cold outside and a little rapey inside. With lyrics like "say, what's in this drink," I'd take my chances with the snow if I were her.
"(Simply Having a) Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. Paul. PAUL. You were once a member of one of the most popular, prolific bands in the history of recorded music. You influenced a generation. And then the Beatles break up, you strike out on your own, and you write this simplistic, lazy drivel. I suspect this song was written by a sixth-grader on a dare, not penned by the same man who wrote "Yesterday" -- which has been covered by more than 2,000 artists, more than any other copyrighted song in history. "Wonderful Christmastime" is not simply wonderful; it's simply a money grab. Including royalties from cover versions, it is estimated that McCartney makes $400,000 a year from this song. If he weren't too busy swimming in his vat of money like Scrooge McDuck, he might be ashamed of its ceaseless repetition and uninspired lyrics.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas." At more than 230 years old, this song deserves to be put out of its misery like an ailing, incontinent pet. It goes on forever, and nobody knows the words past "five golden rings" anyway. Most of these are terrible gifts to get from your true love. What am I going to do with eight milk maids? I don't even own a cow, much less a herd. The song also features an inordinate number of feathered friends. A partridge (what the hell's a partridge?), four calling birds, six geese, and seven swans. Somebody needs to tell those ladies to stop dancing and lords to stop leaping so they can help me clean up all the errant feathers and bird droppings.
"Zat You, Santa Claus?" sung by Louis Armstrong. I didn't grow up with this gem, but instead discovered it as an adult. It's the story of a boy whose only wish is to have Santa bring him some pleasant things, but instead he's greeted by a growling creature peering in the keyhole and knocking on the door. Holy shit, that's terrifying. I'm pretty sure this poor kid's about to get eaten by some Walking Dead. And that, friends, is what really started the zombie apocalypse.
Some songs just rub people the wrong way. I've heard a lot of complaints about "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas," for example. Other than the distinct possibility of being killed by a hippo, the song is kinda cute. I'd be interested in seeing how a child gives a hippo a massage in the garage, for example. Other people take issue with the violent nature of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." I don't have any problems with this one either; in fact, I agree with the statement that Santa Claus really shouldn't have a driver's license. He's a million years old, he only drives once a year, and who knows what he's been putting in his cocoa? We're lucky he hasn't crashed into a farmer's market yet and taken out several innocent bystanders.
On that note (pun intended), here are a few holiday songs I do wish I would never have to sit through again:
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" Once upon a time, this was a fine traditional Christmas carol. The night wind sees the North Star heralding Jesus's birth. The wind tells a lamb, who tells a shepherd, who tells a king, who tells the people that the Christ Child has come. It's all fine and good until you add in the Gremlins. Do you hear what I hear? Yes. I hear a gremlin being ground to green goo in a stainless steel blender bowl. After 1984, I could no longer hear this song without associating it with one of the most frightening movies of my impressionable childhood. Thanks for ruining Christmas Eve for everybody, mogwai.
 |
| You got gremlin in my egg nog. |
"Last Christmas" by WHAM. Oh, George Michael, I hate to tell you this, but just because you mention Christmas in the lyrics doesn't make it a Christmas song. That's like saying Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go is a song about Yo-Yos. No, this is a break-up song. And not even a good one at that; honestly, Taylor Swift can do better. In fact, Taylor Swift did sing a cover of this and I still hated it.
"Baby It's Cold Outside" sung by Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting. On the surface, it's a catchy, jazzy tune. A man and a woman are out together, and the snow is falling, and they don't want to part. Sweet, right? A less-cheesy, more-romantic version of Let It Snow. But then you listen to the lyrics, and find that it's both cold outside and a little rapey inside. With lyrics like "say, what's in this drink," I'd take my chances with the snow if I were her.
"(Simply Having a) Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. Paul. PAUL. You were once a member of one of the most popular, prolific bands in the history of recorded music. You influenced a generation. And then the Beatles break up, you strike out on your own, and you write this simplistic, lazy drivel. I suspect this song was written by a sixth-grader on a dare, not penned by the same man who wrote "Yesterday" -- which has been covered by more than 2,000 artists, more than any other copyrighted song in history. "Wonderful Christmastime" is not simply wonderful; it's simply a money grab. Including royalties from cover versions, it is estimated that McCartney makes $400,000 a year from this song. If he weren't too busy swimming in his vat of money like Scrooge McDuck, he might be ashamed of its ceaseless repetition and uninspired lyrics.
 |
| Nope. |
"The Twelve Days of Christmas." At more than 230 years old, this song deserves to be put out of its misery like an ailing, incontinent pet. It goes on forever, and nobody knows the words past "five golden rings" anyway. Most of these are terrible gifts to get from your true love. What am I going to do with eight milk maids? I don't even own a cow, much less a herd. The song also features an inordinate number of feathered friends. A partridge (what the hell's a partridge?), four calling birds, six geese, and seven swans. Somebody needs to tell those ladies to stop dancing and lords to stop leaping so they can help me clean up all the errant feathers and bird droppings.
"Zat You, Santa Claus?" sung by Louis Armstrong. I didn't grow up with this gem, but instead discovered it as an adult. It's the story of a boy whose only wish is to have Santa bring him some pleasant things, but instead he's greeted by a growling creature peering in the keyhole and knocking on the door. Holy shit, that's terrifying. I'm pretty sure this poor kid's about to get eaten by some Walking Dead. And that, friends, is what really started the zombie apocalypse.
 |
| Please make it stop. |
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