Thanks, I Guess

Many years ago I read or heard the line, “We were like strangers who knew each other very well.” I have more or less adopted this quote as a description of the relationship between my father and me. More than strangers but less than estranged, we talk on the phone a few times a year but we stick to surface streets. He thinks I am closed off and private; I know where his post office box is located but don’t know where he sleeps at night. He lives 1,200 miles away, so at least I am spared the awkward side-hugs and desperate attempts at normal conversation. My mother is dead and my brother has ceased contact, so he clings to me like his last hope at family. 

That about sums it up.

Father’s Days are tough. There just aren’t any greeting cards that accurately reflect our relationship. So a few years ago I decided Hallmark or American Greetings needed to get on this. Along with a friend, I came up with several gems I was going to pitch to them. The best one was: (front) When it comes to fathers… (inside) …you’re one. Another friend added the tag line: Thanks, I guess. Mostly-estranged fathers everywhere will be simultaneously touched and surprised to receive anything at all from their children, and children can rest assured that they have kept to social conventions while still managing to avoid accidentally offering an open invitation to revive an otherwise comatose relationship. Even the postal service will enjoy a surge in stamp purchases when people rush out to mail the cards. Everybody wins! 

Someday I'll have my own line of greeting cards, and they will be brilliant. As soon as I finish this whole child-rearing thing, which takes up a lot more time than I had expected.